Since You’ve Been Gone…

It feels like I’ve been chewin’ on tinfoil.  (bonus points if you know where that’s from)

I know that I haven’t been around. There’s a reason for that. I also know that that the only person that feels like I’m letting them down is me.

I have had some things going on outside of the blog, that have required my attention. I think I can also say that they are going to continue to require a great deal of my attention. I also think these are things that are best dealt with in their own space and time.

English: The spotlight model of attention.

English: The spotlight model of attention. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

That would be why I had been less verbose than before. I may also continue to have less to post than my previous everyday schedule. A large part of this also comes from my growing concern that I was just throwing fluff up on the internet for people to read.

When I first started here, I was able to post opinions, musings, and worldviews that seemed as if they needed to be shared. I had something to say every day, and the responsibility and routine of that was very nice for me. Now that some of those musings have slowed down a little bit, I don’t really want to be forcing something on to the page that just isn’t worth reading, writing, or sharing.

That’s why I’m thinking that I’m not going to commit to a firm schedule for writing here, but I’m also not giving up. I am going to ATTEMPT to write 2 or 3 times a week. I admit that this may not always happen. I will say that if it isn’t happening, it has more to do with not having something to say than it does laziness in regards to posting.

In case you were wondering, I will probably still be writing a few things, but they may not be for posting. I will continue to work on things to share here though, in addition to musings. There may still be the occasional poem or story.

Now on to an actual musing to kick this thing off right!

I have been listening to a podcast called Stuff To Blow Your Mind. I’ve been listening for awhile, but the most recent one happened to mention some things that I’d been pondering a bit anyway. They were referencing reincarnation and some of the different interpretations of it.


One of those viewpoints is that reincarnation can exist as a metaphor to our daily life. That how we act and react from moment to moment can set the stage or establish a pattern for the next and subsequent moments. That sort of tied into something that has been bouncing around in my head. People frequently say that a way to improve your outlook on life is simply to decide to be positive. I struggle mightily with this sort of thing.

I have been striving to be more positive, and more importantly, not be so hard on myself when I feel that I have made a mistake. I’ve been pushing that much harder recently, and it can sometimes create a bit of a feedback loop. Example A: I forget to do something that I said I would. I then get upset with myself for forgetting to do that thing. I then get upset with myself for getting upset with myself. Feedback loop.

When something like that starts to happen, I find myself wondering how it is that one could simply decide to be more positive about the whole thing. How am I supposed to just DECIDE to not be so hard on myself? I understand and can buy into the idea that your approach to situations can color how you handle them. I just can’t figure out how to simply change that approach.

I guess it was just one of those things that struck a chord and got me wondering.



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Asking for help

I think I might need to find a mentor.

I’ve always felt that being completely honest with yourself is for the best. That means accepting idiosyncrasies and weaknesses that you posses and working to deal with or correct them. I think that one of those things for me, is that I need a mentor. Some sort of a life coach.

I know, that sounds bad. It kind of sounds like I’m completely lost and I can’t get through my day. In reality, what it means about me is that I am at my best when I’ve got someone there to be my partner. Batman & Robin, but less hero/sidekick. More an equal team. Sherlock Holmes and John Watson.

Sherlock Holmes in "The Adventure of the ...

Sherlock Holmes in “The Adventure of the Empty House.” (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

I tend to think out loud when I have ideas. This works best when I have someone who knows me and how I think to listen and reciprocate. I tend to over think things, and t is good for me to have someone to keep me in check. I also tend to be overzealous sometimes and having a counterpoint to that is sometimes beneficial. All in all, I think I work best as part of a pair.

I also frequently am looking for guidance. I look for someone who can really identify things about me that I am unable or unwilling to see in myself. I need that person to work with me and be my other person.

I have great friends and family members, and sometimes they do these things for me. I sometimes have a partner in crime, and I also can have people to go to that have more life experience than I do. The trouble is, sometimes they’re too close to me.

They’re involved in the decisions I’m making. I need an unbiased observer. I think it would help me to get a different perspective on some things. That’s why I said I could use a mentor or life coach type of person.

I know that isn’t the sort of thing that I can just go looking for in the classifieds. It isn’t something I can just go pick up at the store. I understand that. I was just noticing something about me and thought I would share.

After all, isn’t that why we’re here?

All over the place!

So I got to thinking tonight.

Thought Bubbles

Thought Bubbles (Photo credit: Michael Taggart Photography)

I know, that’s a dangerous situation. I’m a pretty unpredictable guy. Sort of. I’m sure the people that know me best could pick what I might do with a relatively accurate percentage.

Overall I’m pretty all over the place. A lot of assumptions about me don’t really ring true. I enjoy this.

I enjoy being unexpected. I enjoy being interesting. I enjoy being weird. I did happen to notice that this is a little strange for writing here.

See, sometimes I’m so unexpected, that I’m not sure what to say about myself. I’m not shy about a lot of things, but I may not think something is as important when it’s not something someone else mentioned.

I tend to be a ‘something like that happened to me once’ or a ‘Hey that reminds me’ kind of guy. It goes along with the weird way my brain makes connections.

So since that’s the case, I’ll do a kind of ‘ask me anything’. Feel free to leave a comment with a suggestion or question. If it’s a quick answer I’ll respond in the comments, but if I think it bear some explaining, I’ll just respond in depth in a post! That way I know someone wanted to hear whatever it is that I’m babbling about.


Busy Bee


Bees in a Box

Bees in a Box (Photo credit: stewickie)

I’m too busy.

I was thinking about my post yesterday, and I am definitely too busy. I know what you’re thinking,(because I’m psychic!) because I thought it too when this post idea popped into my head: If you just said that you don’t have as much to do as you think, how can you really be that busy?

Well it’s all in my perception and attitude about everything. I make myself feel busy with the way I approach everything. It’s like when someone gives you ‘busywork’ because they feel better if you’re doing something rather than nothing. It doesn’t matter what it is, or even if it’s productive so long as it keeps you busy.

That seems to be how my brain has been handling and processing information. It feels better when it’s doing nothing, or everything. It seems to be one of the ways my brain expresses it’s all or nothing mentality. It makes itself feel busy when it’s a little occupied because it doesn’t know how to properly classify the in-between experiences.

I’ve never been particularly great at operating on a spectrum. It’s always been easier for me to think in absolutes. I think that’s what it’s all about, too. Easier. I’ve always taken the easy way out. It’s always been more difficult to think about things on an ever-moving, ever-evolving spectrum.

I can handle it sometimes. Certain issues and concepts I can separate the individual pieces out and think about them one at a time. That creates a crazy amalgam of concepts. The trouble is that I still think of the individual concepts in black and white terms.

I understand the problem with this, but like someone who knows eating hot wings will give them heartburn, I just make the decision. I can lay all the pieces out on the table, I can evaluate them, I can think logically and emotionally about each one. Then I just make a decision without regard to all those individual evaluations.

I just need to work at training myself to view activities for what they are. I am typically more able to do this once the activity has started, but I need to begin to do it all the time. I need to force myself not to feel busy when I’m not actually busy. Maybe it will help me slow down and view things in the proper perspective.


Alright. It looks a little different around here.

I was looking at my page, and I didn’t like how every post kind of ran into the next. So I changed it.

I prefer a dark background, but I love me some color. So we decided to try this look for a bit.

I was trying to think of something fun and amusing to write today. No introspection, just amusing self-deprecation. I was in the middle of deciding how to make fun of myself when I went all Martha Stewart up in this piece and started redecorating. Then I thought about it, and that’s as good of a topic as any.

“What topic?” You might be thinking, “He really didn’t say what he was thinking might be a good topic. I think he’s a little distracted. Maybe he’s just that random?”

The truth is that yes, I am that random. The topic I meant, though,(I did have something in mind, I swear!) was in fact my random decision to make a big change around here.

I tend to be a planner. I’m not any good at it, mind you, but I don’t like to just do stuff. The other side to this ineffective coin, is that once I decide to do something, I want to just do it. I don’t want to think about it anymore or plan anymore I just want to spontaneously do. It isn’t really spontaneous though, is it? If I’ve been thinking and planning and arranging, and then decide to do it’s really just an accelerated end to the process.

I’ll tell you what, it’s hell doing home improvement stuff with a brain like this. I look and think, I lay things out in my head. After plotting and strategizing, I decide that I want to, say put in a new counter top. I have now DECIDED! I will now go purchase all of the things for a new counter and install it in 2 hours!

Anyone who has ever worked on any project requiring more than $50 and 1 hour of work knows that this is NOT how it works. Which is why The Wife calmly instructs me to put the credit card down and stay out of Home Depot.

Well I hope you like the new look, we’ll give it some time and see how it goes.

Let my know how you feel below!

Fate! Destiny!

So I was watching How I Met Your Mother again,(what? It’s a good show.) and the concept of destiny(and an amusing joke about a stripper named Destiny) or fate came up. The show was talking about these concepts as they relate to a relationship. Were 2 people being thrown together by the universe because they were somehow ‘meant to be together’? As usual, this sort of thing gets me thinking.

Man thinking on a train journey.

Man thinking on a train journey. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

My pondering had less to do with the relationship version of it all. I’m a happily married guy. The Wife keeps me in line and takes care of me; in return I… well there’s something that I do and I’ll have to let you know if I figure it out. I was more thinking about how the concept of destiny/fate applies to my belief that everything happens for a reason. I know I mentioned this, briefly, before and I may have even indicated that I wasn’t specifically referring to fate.

I tend to think of ‘everything happens for a reason’ in a very broad, general, and non-specific fashion. It’s something I think about to try to keep from dwelling on bad things happening or good things not happening. I know that I am a blessed person. Things may not always go just the way I want, but I have very little to complain about. Things have gone alright for me. This is what I use as a sort of baseline to indicate to myself that ‘things will work out alright, everything happens for a reason.’

If I stop to think about all of it, I start to get to a place that I’m not sure if I want to be. Am I destined for anything? If I am, am I okay with that? Maybe it isn’t as specific as ‘you will end up a doctor.’ Even if it is as general as ‘you will have kids,’ am I okay with that being the course for my life no matter what? I am able to take solace in the fact that when something doesn’t go my way, I feel like there was a reason for that and it will work out eventually. Without knowledge of what that reason is, am I okay being steered in a direction without my input?

It also tend to lead me to thoughts of “The Universe” as some sort of entity with plans and something that uses signs as indicators. Is this something I should be thinking about when major changes happen? Should I look for signs and be less concerned with things not working out immediately? I would hate to hamstring myself because I was busy waiting and reacting to “The Universe” instead of being proactive.

That being said, I’m not always an exceptionally proactive person(insert joke about anything including the word’active’ here). I tend to be the kind of person who just continues along a path until a crossroad appears and I’m forced to make a decision. Rarely am I the type to pick the direction or destination and just set off through the woods to get there.

So at the end of the day, I being to wonder if I should be happy about everything happening for a reason. I wonder if destiny/fate plays a role in my life. If it does, how flexible are the steps and the results? Am I alright with this? Does it matter if I’m alright with it? Should I be paying attention for signs? Worry about ‘Putting things out into the Universe”?

I may never know, but I do know that telling myself ‘everything happens for a reason’ still makes me feel better when things aren’t going quite right.

Over-think this!

I’m an over-thinker. It’s one of those things that I can’t really control sometimes.

Cover of "What If? Classic Vol. 1 (Marvel...

Cover of What If? Classic Vol. 1 (Marvel Heroes)

Since I tend to focus on the negative,(I’m working on it, chill) what ends up happening is my brain goes to a “Worst Case Scenario” kind of place, and runs with some pretty terrible ideas. I’ve read that Humans are the only species to not only focus on “What-If” type scenarios, but that our minds can’t distinguish between the thoughts of it happening and the actual experiences of it happening. This results in people(me especially) creating situations in which we’re as stressed out by the concept of something bad happening to us as we would be if it actually happened. I don’t have to experience, let’s say loosing my job, to know about the level of mental distress it would cause. I only have to sit down and think really hard about what would happen.

Since I am a freaking PRO at this, I sometimes get myself in an overwhelmingly negative place based on nothing more that speculation. I also tend to be a little hyperactive so my brain kinda starts making serious leaps of logic.

Here’s a for instance: I have a really bad day at work. So I start to think about how I want to get a different job. Well then I think how hard it is for me to look at job listings and get information sent out around work. So I decide it would be better if I quit my job first. Then I would have lots of time to apply other places. Unfortunately, that means I’m not bringing any money in. Then we would be hurting for money. What if I couldn’t find anything else? What if even fast food places and restaurants aren’t hiring? How many months could we go? Would I be able to get my old job back? Then they would resent me for trying to leave in the first place. The Wife would be disappointed that I had to go back to my old job. She would never see me as capable of providing for us. She would see me as a terrible husband.

That was just a small for instance, but you see how it gets out of hand quickly inside my head? The end thought that I get stuck with and start focusing on there is: I’m not a capable provider and a bad husband. The Wife could do better. That’s a really destructive and negative place to be stuck. I don’t want to be thinking that, and it’s a pretty long way removed from the original “Work sucked today”.

The problem is that while that sort of thought process doesn’t happen all the time, it’s a pretty quick decent to a pretty dark place. It can happen with any thought at any time, but since I sometimes lean towards being a little more negative it happens with negative emotions a little more frequently.

I’m not actually feeling like this about anything right at the moment. My recent writing renaissance has helped me quite a bit in that regard, I feel. I just happened to be pondering this morning about this here blog and I felt like I needed to explore my negative over-thinking a little bit.

Is this something the rest of you do? Did you know that Human beings are the only species that can’t emotionally distinguish between thoughts and experiences?

You can call me Leo

I think I might be a genius.

English: Self-portrait of Leonardo da Vinci. R...

English: Self-portrait of Leonardo da Vinci. Red chalk. 33 × 21 cm. Turin, Royal Library ( 15571). NOTE This image is in red chalk. Do not revert to the black and white image. Deutsch: Kopf eines bärtigen Mannes, sog. Selbstbildnis. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Okay, stick with me here. I know what you’re thinking: “Who’s this guy? Did he seriously just declare himself a genius with no support or examples?”

The answer to that is: Yes, I did.

I know that probably didn’t sit well, but at least let me explain myself.

I don’t mean that I think I might be a genius in the way that someone claims that sort of distinction to make a point. I don’t mean that I think I’m better than anyone in particular at one thing, or a certain group of things. In fact, if you’ve ever conversed with me for any length of time you probably know that I’m not very confident, and I’m relatively self-deprecating. On any given day, if you asked me, I would probably tell you that I ‘m not really good at anything. I would say that I’m just above average at lots of things, none of which are of any real value.

I’m thinking these thoughts of genius in the more abstract way, almost as if it’s a condition. Thinking about it, I would even say that I seem to mesh with a lot of the qualities of genius without that one big spark of insight. I suppose maybe I exhibit some of the qualities typical of genius-type people and just not have hit my stride yet.

Regardless lets do some comparison. Qualities generally observed in geniuses.  and go:

Disorganized: Check
High Intelligence: Check
Mostly Solitary: Check
A little crazy: Check
Frequently disengaged from the world around them: Check
Lots of ideas: Check

Alright, you get the idea here. Again, I just had this thought on my way to work this morning. In light of the post I made yesterday where I referenced one of my Mile-a-Minute afternoons, I was trying to figure out if there was more to it than just the desire to avoid boredom.

Maybe there’s more that I’m wanting to do. Maybe I’m so busy trying to ignore these bursts of drive and thought and manic energy that I’m shutting out something else in the process. Maybe I’m really a genius that is busy looking for something to be a genius ABOUT.

It’s also entirely possible that I’m just a smart guy with nothing to focus his crazy thoughts on.

What if I am a genius though? What if I’m not remotely living up to anything I’m capable of doing for one reason or another? What if I NEED to be doing more or I’m going to slowly drive myself mad?

What if I just had a couple days of a weird spurt of creative energy that led to me attempting to declare myself a genius on the internet?

Dare I ask for comments on the subject? Sure, I am being impulsive after all. Comment away!