I’m so OLD!

Just Kidding!(but maybe I’m not.)

birthday

birthday (Photo credit: Aih.)

I meant to get on yesterday, but it was just too bananas. Yesterday was my birthday. I turned 29! I’m so OLD!

I know 29 isn’t really old, but it can certainly feel that way. People sometimes say that ‘Age is just a number,’ or ‘It’s all relative.’ They’re right to some degree. Of course, that’s usually people who are older and don’t want to be seen as old or feel old.

I have always kind of felt like I never act my age. Sometimes I seem like a kid in a grown up world. I love to goof off, and play and watch cartoons. I like to sit around on the weekends in my pajamas and play video games. I like to read stories about grand kingdoms, beautiful princesses, daring heroes and fearsome villains.

Other times, I seem to be much older than I really am. I enjoy a cup of hot tea, I like reading more than Television, and I don’t like to go out as often as some of my friends. I clean up very well, and I prefer suits to sport coats. I am quite the gentleman.

So I got older yesterday. As some of you may already realize though, everyone hits an age where the day doesn’t make you feel any different than the day before. I found that day sometime in the last couple of years. I’m okay with that, but it does take some of the ceremony out of having a birthday.

Regardless, I like the fact that I’m so changeable. It gets in the way sometimes, when I can’t focus on what I’d like to be more like at a certain time. Overall, I’d prefer to be a little more unpredictable. I like my routine to be predictable, but I don’t like to be predictable in it.

 

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Since You’ve Been Gone…

It feels like I’ve been chewin’ on tinfoil.  (bonus points if you know where that’s from)

I know that I haven’t been around. There’s a reason for that. I also know that that the only person that feels like I’m letting them down is me.

I have had some things going on outside of the blog, that have required my attention. I think I can also say that they are going to continue to require a great deal of my attention. I also think these are things that are best dealt with in their own space and time.

English: The spotlight model of attention.

English: The spotlight model of attention. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

That would be why I had been less verbose than before. I may also continue to have less to post than my previous everyday schedule. A large part of this also comes from my growing concern that I was just throwing fluff up on the internet for people to read.

When I first started here, I was able to post opinions, musings, and worldviews that seemed as if they needed to be shared. I had something to say every day, and the responsibility and routine of that was very nice for me. Now that some of those musings have slowed down a little bit, I don’t really want to be forcing something on to the page that just isn’t worth reading, writing, or sharing.

That’s why I’m thinking that I’m not going to commit to a firm schedule for writing here, but I’m also not giving up. I am going to ATTEMPT to write 2 or 3 times a week. I admit that this may not always happen. I will say that if it isn’t happening, it has more to do with not having something to say than it does laziness in regards to posting.

In case you were wondering, I will probably still be writing a few things, but they may not be for posting. I will continue to work on things to share here though, in addition to musings. There may still be the occasional poem or story.

Now on to an actual musing to kick this thing off right!

I have been listening to a podcast called Stuff To Blow Your Mind. I’ve been listening for awhile, but the most recent one happened to mention some things that I’d been pondering a bit anyway. They were referencing reincarnation and some of the different interpretations of it.

 

One of those viewpoints is that reincarnation can exist as a metaphor to our daily life. That how we act and react from moment to moment can set the stage or establish a pattern for the next and subsequent moments. That sort of tied into something that has been bouncing around in my head. People frequently say that a way to improve your outlook on life is simply to decide to be positive. I struggle mightily with this sort of thing.

I have been striving to be more positive, and more importantly, not be so hard on myself when I feel that I have made a mistake. I’ve been pushing that much harder recently, and it can sometimes create a bit of a feedback loop. Example A: I forget to do something that I said I would. I then get upset with myself for forgetting to do that thing. I then get upset with myself for getting upset with myself. Feedback loop.

When something like that starts to happen, I find myself wondering how it is that one could simply decide to be more positive about the whole thing. How am I supposed to just DECIDE to not be so hard on myself? I understand and can buy into the idea that your approach to situations can color how you handle them. I just can’t figure out how to simply change that approach.

I guess it was just one of those things that struck a chord and got me wondering.

 

 

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High Fantasy

I mentioned the other day that I had an idea brewing, but I was a little tire to get into it. Here goes.

I think I may have figured out why I enjoy spending so much time watching movies and television, reading books and playing video games: They’re easier than real life is. Let me explain, because that sounds weird and possibly concerning.

Fairy tales are something a lot of us are exposed to very young. Every society has different versions, but a lot of them are still similar. Quite a few even come from the same basic source: The Brothers Grimm.

Monument to brothers Grimm on the market place...

Monument to brothers Grimm on the market place in Hanau. (Hessen, Germany) (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Most of these fairy tales are designed to communicate something to us as children in an easily digestible fashion. Many of them are structured very similarly; The prince, who is handsome, brave and righteous gets the princess by saving her from something bad. They’re all trying to show us that by doing the good things, even if they’re difficult, we’re in the right and will be rewarded.

This is kind of an oversimplification, but it sort of applies to all of the things I mentioned before. The good guys, get the girls and the reward by defeating the bad guys, even though it’s hard to do. That’s what makes them so entertaining to watch ,and so dangerous at the same time. Most of our everyday lives aren’t anything like that.

or the average person, the most courageous thing we do all day is getting up and going right back to work. It could be to look out for your family, it could be due to a sense of responsibility, or maybe you just need the money to get by. There are no dragons to slay, no wizards to defeat and no armies of evil doers to fell in battle. Entertainment is easy.

All these forms of entertainment make everything so easy and clean. It’s simple to see the good guys win when it’s a battle to the death between ancient enemies. It’s easy to see who is good and who is bad when the good guys are the ones you root for the whole time and the bad guys are looming large over the heroes. That’s also what makes them dangerous.

All these stories don’t prepare us for the basic living that most of us do. I may want to be a hero, because that’s what  I see during my leisure time. I’m not trained to be a hero, and I am also not going to come across moments to be a hero in my everyday life. Entertainment has given me a false sense of things.

It isn’t like I didn’t know that this was the case. It’s easy to see that life isn’t as grand as the stories we tell. That’s why it’s easier for some of us to live the entertainment. Staying wrapped up in a good story where evil is vanquished is nicer than vanquishing the evil of unwashed dishes. Getting on the computer and slaying evil minions is simpler than slaying the grass with the lawnmower.

We live our lives, and we sometimes do great things. Sometimes the things we do that aren’t so great are still us doing what needs to be done. Sometimes, we just have to sit back and let the simplicity of a story tell us what it could be like. Maybe if we lived a different life, in a different time or a different world.

We need that escape from time to time.

Slowly, slowly.

I’m moving at a slow rate of speed.

Photo of a Florida Box Turtle (Terrapene carol...

Photo of a Florida Box Turtle (Terrapene carolina bauri). Taken in Jacksonville, Florida, USA. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

I’m tired. Physically and mentally, and it’s got me moving and thinking at a slower rate of speed than normal. Everything seems to be happening faster around me, and I’m just kind of slogging through. It’s not fun.

It’s frustrating to feel not only out of control, but powerless to change direction. Not pleasant to feel unable to keep up with the things happening around you either. Constant frustration leads only to anger.

I don’t like feeling slow. I prefer to feel like I’m out front of the crowd. Being ahead of the pack, means I can see more of what’s ahead of me than anyone else. This feeling sluggish gets on my nerves.

The worst part if feeling like I’m thinking slowly. I want to have a snappy and responsive mental capacity. It’s something I’m used to. I don’t shift gear very quickly or well. So I don’t want to feel any way but sharp.

It’s just plaing annoying.

The Darkness

Travelling into the darkness is magical and horrifying, all at the same time.

Darkness is everything we fear and hope. Anything can be contained within darkness. Travelling through it is a constant journey of discovery.

Our minds try to make sens of what we’re looking at. We assume we know what we’re going to see when the next sliver of light reveals that which was just hidden. The only way we can fight back the untamed horror of the unknown is to convince ourselves we know what comes next.

Darkness

Darkness (Photo credit: Roberto F.)

The only way we can keep moving into the unknown void ahead is to hope and pray that we can make assumptions about what comes next. When we can’t do that, the madness begins. The yawning chasm of terror opens ever so slightly in our souls. It’s cracks and shifts wider. Slowly, a little at a time, until that swirling maw of chaos envelops you.

Darkness is all of that. Darkness is all around us. It is what we struggle to emerge from every night. we fight to keep it at bay with out houses and walls and lights. We know that if we were to truly sit and exist in the dark, we might not know what comes next. That horrifies us beyond belief.

Darkness is what begins to approach at the beginning of every day. Even before we realize what the day can be, the countdown begins. The steady tick-tick-tick of the clock as the darkness of night grows ever closer.

If you want to know how truly close to the surface that terror is, sit a few minutes in the inky blackness of total darkness. Within moment your mind will begin to create visions of horror and chaos that you never thought you were capable of imagining. Unbidden, your mind will vividly create worlds and moments of indescribable insanity.

Know that that is what is hiding inside all of us. Ready to spring forth at a moments notice. That is what we schedule, and plan and structure to avoid. Not knowing what comes next will release that howling, swirling, driving mass of chaos. All we can do is move through the world with a plan.

We move through our days hoping that we can just stave that madness off a few moments longer. Because it is always waiting just ahead in that next darkened room.

Puzzle

It’s like a puzzle more often than not.

Puzzle

Puzzle (Photo credit: seaan)

There’s a lot of times life is like a puzzle. sometimes it’s a big puzzle that takes days to complete. Sometimes it’s a lot of smaller, faster puzzles. Sometimes pieces are missing and you have to make your own.

Puzzles are supposed to be fun and enjoyable. Some people put them in the same category as games. They can be devilishly frustrating. Life often mimics these exact qualities.

The trick is to remember that every experience might be part of a larger puzzle, or it might be it’s very own little one. Regardless, finishing that part of the puzzle allows you to move on. It can keep you centered, and keep you from veering too far off course.

You hear athletes talk about it in almost every sport. They say “It’s a long season. You just have to stay even-keeled. You can’t get too high or too low.” That applies to life as well. Staying in the middle can balance out those highs and lows.

Sometimes the puzzle piece seem to be working themselves out. That can be a great feeling. You can’t forget that there’s another little puzzle just around the corner. You can’t get too excited about the one little piece that works.

There’s an end to a puzzle coming up. I can see the pieces laid out. There’s another one waiting in the wings.

Who we really are

Who are we, really?

I watched an episode of ‘Once Upon a Time‘ last night, and there was a part that struck a chord with me. One of the characters is told that she will see something only when she accepts who she truly is. After some deep discussion with a friend, she admits that she is an orphan, even though she has met her family.

Once Upon a Time (TV series)

Once Upon a Time (TV series) (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

She realizes that even though she isn’t the same person she was before, even though she is an adult with a respectable job and house, even though she has met the rest of her family, she is still the same lost little girl that she was long ago. She is still an orphan. Sometimes those big, defining things don’t just go away.

Even when we try to move past things, sometimes they linger. Even when we aren’t the same person we were before, that doesn’t change what happened before. No matter what we think we know about ourselves, there can still be scars or wounds from before.

It struck a chord with me because it pointed out something I’d been denying for a while. I never really dealt with the death of my Mother. I thought I did. I told people that I did. I wanted to be done with it. What I  never actually did was deal with it.

I covered the wound with bandages. I kept changing them until it stopped hurting. I told everyone it was better. I never stopped to check and see if the wound was infected. I just assumed it was fine.

As a child, I think that I never knew what to say, or who to say it to. I ‘got over it’ quickly, because I didn’t know how to be appropriately sad. I figured if I didn’t know how to grieve properly, I should just not do it. I should be a little sad that everything changed, (I mean everything,) and I should be sad that  I didn’t have my Mom that I loved very much anymore. I didn’t know how to process those huge feelings.

I’m sure there are things that this affects, but I don’t really know what they are yet. I’m just beginning to notice that there are things about that time in my life that never really got addressed or solved. I was 9, and I didn’t want to be sad about it all, so I just kind of stopped being sad. I’m only now, 19 years later, realizing how bad I screwed that up. I can’t say I should have known better, because I was a child, but I can say that I now realize that I didn’t do all the things I needed to to come to terms with all that happened.

The trouble for me now is, that I don’t really know what to do with this new information. I’m not sure what I’m supposed to do about how I handled things 19 years ago. Especially when it’s not as if I wronged someone, I just didn’t properly handle my own emotions. So at some point, I’ll need to figure out what to do about it all.

For now, I’ll just be content that I finally realized that I didn’t do it right. I’ll have to worry about the rest later.