While I was planning my post for the day, I realized that most of my recent posts have been a little on the sadder or melancholy side. I’m not actually that down at the moment. I felt like I was being a Little Debbie Downer(see what i did there? Little Debbie? Debbie Downer? Fine don’t laugh. I haven’t had any coffee yet, I think I deserve the benefit of the doubt.)
I really enjoy writing the way that I am right at that moment. Sometimes that means I write sadder stuff. Sometimes it’s more a thought provoking type of post. Sometimes it’s just plain weird. It’s always me, though. Since I don’t feel like I wan’t to write anything sad, I want to write something funny!
There’s a problem here. As much as I like to think that I contain the original seed of everything that is funny, the spark where all humor in the universe comes from, inside me like Optimus Prime‘s Matrix of Leadership, but I know that’s not true. I’m not super hysterical like I imagine I am. That’s ok.
I still think I’m funny. I’m also sort of getting to the point where if I think I’m funny, that’s all it takes for me to be funny. There’s a small flaw in this: When you’re funny, you say and do funny things when other people are around. If those other people don’t find you amusing, you’re kinda stuck. Whatever. I’ll deal with that when I get there.
So now I have to find a way to put something funny and happy-inducing here for you guys today. I want to be a bringer of smiles today.
This is harder than I thought. Apparently, I don’t have anything all that amusing to say. Well this is embarrassing. Uh….
Okay, I know zombies have been overdone recently, and I don’t want to add to that. but I feel like the living dead have been horribly misrepresented lately. I like zombies. I’m a fan. I don’t always watch some of the older zombie movies because I may like them as a concept, but seeing them paw through someone’s internal organs isn’t something I need to see illustrated in graphic detail.
Cover of Shaun of the Dead
In the interest of giving you about as family-friendly an example as I can, while still pointing out my preferred undead characteristics, I’ll reference a movie from a few years back: Shaun of the Dead.
Even though it’s a humorous take on the genre, I think it really showcases a lot of the things I appreciate about those adorable little brain munchers.
Zombies should be dumb. Like really dumb. Having trouble distinguishing zombies from people and inanimate objects dumb. Being as zombies should be animated corpses, there should be no mental processing. They should just be a mobile corpse.
Zombies should be slow. They are just mobile corpses. No running. They are driven by a desire to eat some brains. Not all of their muscle attachments are intact. Slow, plodding, shuffling, untiring things.
Zombies should be strong, but fragile. Again with the muscle attachments. Their musculature may or may not be well-functioning. Kind of depends on the amount of muscle tissue left. If there’s a lot there, they should be stronger than a human of their size because they don’t have the same restrictions on movement that a human being would. They should also be fragile. With all that exposed bone and possible lack of musculo-skeletal integrity, I would think it would be hard to keep it together.
Those are my big things. Part of the discomfort that zombies provide is based on the inevitability of fate they introduce. They WILL keep coming for you. If you don’t get away or keep moving, the WILL catch you. If they catch you, they WILL eat you. If they bite you, you WILL become one of them.
This whole zombies can run and zombies are predators crap has just left a sour taste in my mouth. I can understand that certain mediums might need to take some artistic liberties. putting fast zombies in a video game can make it more interesting. Real zombies are slow though.
Well then. In an effort to not be melancholy, I ended up telling you why my zombies are the best. Apparently, I favor a more ‘based in science approach’ Who knew?
That seems accurate. Totally me.
Are you funny? Do other people agree? How do you feel about zombies?