Thoughts

Sometimes they swirl. A wild maelstrom of separate clouds, twisting and coiling in the circling winds.

Other times they bounce. Tiny bouncing seeds falling from great heights.

Often they flutter. Dancing on the breeze, flitting about in no discernible direction.

Occasionally they swim. Darting and turning in unison, in a school.

Rarely they are peaceful. Swaying in the breeze in a field.

They are never quiet.

 

English: Abstract art work

English: Abstract art work (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

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All over the place!

So I got to thinking tonight.

Thought Bubbles

Thought Bubbles (Photo credit: Michael Taggart Photography)

I know, that’s a dangerous situation. I’m a pretty unpredictable guy. Sort of. I’m sure the people that know me best could pick what I might do with a relatively accurate percentage.

Overall I’m pretty all over the place. A lot of assumptions about me don’t really ring true. I enjoy this.

I enjoy being unexpected. I enjoy being interesting. I enjoy being weird. I did happen to notice that this is a little strange for writing here.

See, sometimes I’m so unexpected, that I’m not sure what to say about myself. I’m not shy about a lot of things, but I may not think something is as important when it’s not something someone else mentioned.

I tend to be a ‘something like that happened to me once’ or a ‘Hey that reminds me’ kind of guy. It goes along with the weird way my brain makes connections.

So since that’s the case, I’ll do a kind of ‘ask me anything’. Feel free to leave a comment with a suggestion or question. If it’s a quick answer I’ll respond in the comments, but if I think it bear some explaining, I’ll just respond in depth in a post! That way I know someone wanted to hear whatever it is that I’m babbling about.

 

Down the Rabbit Hole

Time for another edition of “Let’s pretend Chris’s thought process makes sense!” Follow along!

I’ve been very subtly music-centric for the last few weeks. I had been noticing it, but I hadn’t quite been able to put my finger one what it was I was perceiving. I’ve been very specific about my music and what I want to hear for the last little bit. I talked about my sudden desire to listen to metal recently. This actually led to the discovery of quite a few new bands.

In the Power Metal Genre, I found Blind Guardian, HammerFall, and DragonForce to name a few. A friend of mine who is much more in tune with the Metal and Hard Rock genres also suggested some Alternative Metal bands like Flyleaf and Halestorm. I have to say Metal with a Lady lead singer is probably one of my favorite new playlists. He also suggested some Progressive Metal like Dream Theater, which got me listening to Elven King and Nightwish.

Anyway, since then, I’ve been very specific when choosing what to listen to. This isn’t particularly unusual, but it did lend itself to an interesting series of thoughts, and I’m going to bring oyu along with me while I walk through them.

I was watching an episode of the television show The Voice. One of the singers was a Jamaican woman who used to sing back up for Jimmy Cliff. After hearing her audition, I got to thinking about Reggae music. I really wanted to make that my next musical selection when I got the chance.

Today at work, I didn’t have time to make a whole new playlist, so I went with a Pandora station base on Halestorm. I never got a chance to really listen, as I was running around all day at work. I went to the grocery store and came home. I watched some television with The Wife. I then came in the office to write today’s blog post!

No ideas. None. I was amped to write, but I just didn’t have anything to spark the flow. Out of desperation I decided to maybe just do a sort of ‘Monday Music’ post. I figured I would just find a song and link it and then write about why I liked it or something. Very generic, and not really the kind of writing that gets the thoughts and emotions out.

So I started going through my iTunes library on shuffle trying to find a song that spoke to me enough to write about it. I landed on a Smashing Pumpkins song. I hesitated on that song, which caused me to see the song a few lines down, which was ‘Bullet With Butterfly Wings’ which I love. so I put that song on, cranked the volume and put on my headphones. Something about the drum beats and Bill Corgan’s voice just got my brain going. That’s when I decided that I should just listen to some Smashing Pumpkins and explain how I got to this point.

I would also like to point out that my brain made a connection between the drums at the beginning of the song and Reggae music.

The Man Inside the Head

Have you ever seen a man that lives inside a head?

It’s very strange. Most people live in a house or other sort of shelter. This man lives inside a head!

Where there would be a brain, he lives right in there! It’s bigger on the inside you know, a head is. There’s room for a whole lot of rooms.

The human mind is capable of many things, but one wouldn’t think it could house a whole human being!

I’ve seen this man walk right out of his head-home and just move through the world as if there were nothing odd about his living arrangement. It was quite shocking.

The really surprising thing, is that it isn’t just any head that he lives in. He lives inside his own head. Can you imagine?

It’s strange enough to live inside a human head, but to live inside your own head is quite extraordinary. It’s a bit Escher-like, isn’t it?

Escher Sphere

Escher Sphere (Photo credit: LostBob Photos)

Why doesn’t my body listen to my Brain?

It’s like they don’t bother communicating.

I’m tired. Both my brain and my body seem to notice that I could use some rest. Being that I pretend to be a responsible adult, I could decide to go to bed early tonight. The thought would be that if I go to bed an hour and a half early, I would get an extra hour and a half of sleep. I couldn’t be more wrong.

My typical sleep schedule is from 12 am – 7:15 am. Not great, but not a terrible amount of sleep either. Sometimes I get tired earlier than that and think I should go to bed early. This almost always results in waking up every 40 minutes starting at 5 am. I have no idea why. So far the earliest I’m able to go to bed with no ill effects is about 15 minutes early.

This makes no sense to me. I should be able to go to bed early and get extra sleep. This would result in a clear mind and refreshed body for tomorrow. It just isn’t the case. That’s exceptionally frustrating. I know I could get more sleep on a nightly basis, but at least let me get extra when I need it.

It’s just like my body is insistent that I can’t sleep more than a set amount of time, no matter how inconvenient the outcome.

This is why I need naps.

2 kittens taking a nap

2 kittens taking a nap (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Brains are Weird

Don’t deny it. Your brain is totally weird too.

Remember the other day, when I was talking about my creative slump? I mentioned that when I get busy is when I tend to be less creative and also less motivated. This has continued.

I sat down to write this morning, and I noticed that I’m not just out of ideas. It’s like my brain shuts down non-essential functions to save strength for the coming apocalypse of responsibility. When I am not actively thinking about something right now, my brain is an empty room. I’m not upset, or stressed, or bored. My brain is straight up empty.

storage unit

storage unit (Photo credit: hey skinny)

I’ve felt like I was empty of ideas or inspiration before, and this is different. When you are looking for a flash of inspiration, it’s like you’re digging through a box of junk in the attic/basement/garage. You know what you’re looking for is in there someplace, along with a bunch of crap you don’t need and never use but refuse to get rid of. You have a goal, and you’re reasonably certain about how to attain the aforementioned goal. Just keep looking through the box until you find it.

When I’m experiencing this level of low brain activity, it’s completely different. It’s like I don’t have an attic/basement/garage, a box or any stuff. I don’t know what I’m looking for, and I don’t have anything to look through anyway. So instead of mentally wandering into the storage space and taking some time to rummage around, I get tot the storage space and flip on the light, and there’s nothing. Then I forget why I went there in the first place. So I “Hmmph,” shut the light off and go sit down and wait for something to happen.

It’s an odd sensation to feel like you aren’t thinking anything. It results in a sort of detached feeling, similar to the time I talked about feeling like I was thinking at a different pace than I was existing. Not exactly the same though. It also can result in feeling anxious. When nothing is happening, and it’s like you’re preparing for something to happen, the waiting can cause some anxiety.

We’ll just have to see if it keeps up I suppose.

Disconnect

I realized yesterday and today that I had been feeling a little… Off.

I think I figured out what ‘s causing the slightly off kilter feeling. I feel like i’m a little out of sync with myself. It’s almost as if I’m living inside my own brain and watching myself go through the motions.

I don’t mean this as a big complaining, or whining post. I don’t mean this as a large-scale existential examination of my life as a whole. I just mean, that I’m going about my everyday life, and my mind seems to just be a little out of sync with everything.

I feel like I’m waiting for something, or I missed something.  I feel like even though everything is moving and functioning properly that I’m not part of that. I feel like I’m not existing in the same instance as everything around me.

It isn’t creepy, or frustrating as much as it is just unsettling. When you feel like you aren’t moving at the same speed as everything else, or in the same space as everything, it’s hard to feel grounded. It’s hard to feel like a part of what’s happening in your own world. That just tends to make one a little uncomfortable.

I’m sure that like everything else, this will eventually snap back to feeling okay. I probably won’t actually notice when it happens. I wonder what it would feel like if this sensation were magnified?

Krang

Krang (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

What would it be like for me to go through an entire day, or week even, feeling less like a whole human being and more like a creepy brain-creature controlling a human-shaped biological robot? Would it create a serious disconnect between myself and other people? Would I start treating them like creepy brain-creatures? Would I be able to go back to living as a singular entity? Would I want to?

Maybe I’ve achieved a higher level of consciousness. Maybe I’m just nuts. Maybe this is further evidence of my whole Genius Theory. Maybe I’m an Alien!

I’m going to guess it’s probably half and half higher consciousness, and nuts.

Could be worse.

                                                                                                                                                                                                  

Have you ever felt this way? Tell me about it!

 

Busy Bee

 

Bees in a Box

Bees in a Box (Photo credit: stewickie)

I’m too busy.

I was thinking about my post yesterday, and I am definitely too busy. I know what you’re thinking,(because I’m psychic!) because I thought it too when this post idea popped into my head: If you just said that you don’t have as much to do as you think, how can you really be that busy?

Well it’s all in my perception and attitude about everything. I make myself feel busy with the way I approach everything. It’s like when someone gives you ‘busywork’ because they feel better if you’re doing something rather than nothing. It doesn’t matter what it is, or even if it’s productive so long as it keeps you busy.

That seems to be how my brain has been handling and processing information. It feels better when it’s doing nothing, or everything. It seems to be one of the ways my brain expresses it’s all or nothing mentality. It makes itself feel busy when it’s a little occupied because it doesn’t know how to properly classify the in-between experiences.

I’ve never been particularly great at operating on a spectrum. It’s always been easier for me to think in absolutes. I think that’s what it’s all about, too. Easier. I’ve always taken the easy way out. It’s always been more difficult to think about things on an ever-moving, ever-evolving spectrum.

I can handle it sometimes. Certain issues and concepts I can separate the individual pieces out and think about them one at a time. That creates a crazy amalgam of concepts. The trouble is that I still think of the individual concepts in black and white terms.

I understand the problem with this, but like someone who knows eating hot wings will give them heartburn, I just make the decision. I can lay all the pieces out on the table, I can evaluate them, I can think logically and emotionally about each one. Then I just make a decision without regard to all those individual evaluations.

I just need to work at training myself to view activities for what they are. I am typically more able to do this once the activity has started, but I need to begin to do it all the time. I need to force myself not to feel busy when I’m not actually busy. Maybe it will help me slow down and view things in the proper perspective.

My brain is full. Goodbye!

What the fudge(but I didn’t say fudge…) is wrong with my brain?

The brain

The brain (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

STOP!(collaborate and listen. I’m just full of pop culture references today.) Stop making a list of what’s wrong with my brain. No, I don’t care how many items you have on your list already. I don’t care that you alphabetized and cross referenced them. Nope, not even the pretty color-coded tabs. I’m thinking of something specific this time.

Time-management and calendars.

My brain does not handle planning time for things very well. Let me give you an example: My sister-in-law asked if I could stop over tonight after work to help her assemble something and hang some shelves at the new place she’s moving into. We will probably also eat food. This is it. My brain has already blocked off all of tonight as if I were leaving the state. I will probably be home before 9. That is not an all night activity.

I can’t figure out why my brain schedules things this way. If the personal even calendar in my brain looked like say, a Google calendar, every time I schedule a new event, the colored block indicating from when to when I will be occupied would only come in 3 options: Full day, Half-day, and Quarter-day. Quarter-day is rarely used.

The reason this is such a pain in the ass for me, is that I tend to overwhelm myself easily. Just getting up and feeding  myself for the day is pretty close to me being Whelmed. Adding much besides the occasional activity means I quickly spaz and become overwhelmed.

This is pretty annoying. It’s especially annoying to people around me who’s brains work in a normal fashion. They’ll ask me to do something: “Hey can you help me move a book shelf on Saturday?” I will respond like a complete nut job: “Can’t sorry. I have to mow the grass this weekend. I probably have to go to the grocery store too, so I don’t know how I’ll get anything done.”

That’s about 2.5 hours of work, including the drive time to and from the store. I have sectioned off an entire weekend for it. Then The Wife will do something like set up a fun evening with friends: “Hey, let’s go see A, J, & Baby M Saturday night. Baseball, dinner and a bonfire. Sound good?” I’m all padded cell and straight-jacket “How are we supposed to fit that in?! When am I going to MOW?!”

I’m a freaking maniac.

How are your time management skills? I’m the only one who can’t handle planning his own life, aren’t I?

This Might Be Dangerous!

I may have made a huge tiny mistake. I am really intent on getting this post done this morning, and I have ingested lots of coffee in a short amount of time. I have unleashed myself on a keyboard all jacked up on caffeine. This might be dangerous.

Brain scanning technology is quickly approachi...

Brain scanning technology is quickly approaching levels of detail that will have serious implications (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

I’m not worried. I think that the two halves of my brain can successfully wrestle one another into some sort of stalemate with regards to crazy vs. responsible. I think I actually have two brain halves that work relatively well together.

I would classify myself as a creative person. I have a good eye for art and colors, even if I’m not always the best at creating them. What you might call “right-brain” things. I would also say that I’m pretty intelligent. I’m good with numbers and patterns. Things one might consider “left-brain” activities.

I have never been great at focusing on one activity or set of skills so I never really latched on to one side of my brain and got great with it. I tend to bounce between the two as required. Lot of people I know are definitely more suited to one or the other.

Not me. I am all sorts of unfocused! In a good way, right? Not always. I think that this sometimes leads to my inability to get organized, even if I like organizational systems. It also leads to a difficult time for  learning new creative activities.

While I’m happy for the adaptability this provides me (people who know me best are cleaning up the beverage that they just spit all over the screen). What I mean is adaptability in my approach for problem-solving. I’m able to approach lots of activities with a unique perspective.

I appreciate this, but sometimes I would like for it to be easier to just plop down and really focus on a particular thing with out soon getting distracted by a shiny object or moving picture(Ooo! Piece of candy!) Well I suppose that life is generally a zero-sum game, and I can’t be good at everything. If I want to be able to be adaptable (sorry for your screens again) Then I can’t also be super focus-able. That’s not a word. I don’t care because I’m creative, remember?

Well, on that note I’ll end this caffeine-fueled ramble about sides of my brain. I hope the rest of the day goes as smoothly and free-flowing as this post did. I feel like it won’t.

Are you right-brained or left-brained?