Since You’ve Been Gone…

It feels like I’ve been chewin’ on tinfoil.  (bonus points if you know where that’s from)

I know that I haven’t been around. There’s a reason for that. I also know that that the only person that feels like I’m letting them down is me.

I have had some things going on outside of the blog, that have required my attention. I think I can also say that they are going to continue to require a great deal of my attention. I also think these are things that are best dealt with in their own space and time.

English: The spotlight model of attention.

English: The spotlight model of attention. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

That would be why I had been less verbose than before. I may also continue to have less to post than my previous everyday schedule. A large part of this also comes from my growing concern that I was just throwing fluff up on the internet for people to read.

When I first started here, I was able to post opinions, musings, and worldviews that seemed as if they needed to be shared. I had something to say every day, and the responsibility and routine of that was very nice for me. Now that some of those musings have slowed down a little bit, I don’t really want to be forcing something on to the page that just isn’t worth reading, writing, or sharing.

That’s why I’m thinking that I’m not going to commit to a firm schedule for writing here, but I’m also not giving up. I am going to ATTEMPT to write 2 or 3 times a week. I admit that this may not always happen. I will say that if it isn’t happening, it has more to do with not having something to say than it does laziness in regards to posting.

In case you were wondering, I will probably still be writing a few things, but they may not be for posting. I will continue to work on things to share here though, in addition to musings. There may still be the occasional poem or story.

Now on to an actual musing to kick this thing off right!

I have been listening to a podcast called Stuff To Blow Your Mind. I’ve been listening for awhile, but the most recent one happened to mention some things that I’d been pondering a bit anyway. They were referencing reincarnation and some of the different interpretations of it.

 

One of those viewpoints is that reincarnation can exist as a metaphor to our daily life. That how we act and react from moment to moment can set the stage or establish a pattern for the next and subsequent moments. That sort of tied into something that has been bouncing around in my head. People frequently say that a way to improve your outlook on life is simply to decide to be positive. I struggle mightily with this sort of thing.

I have been striving to be more positive, and more importantly, not be so hard on myself when I feel that I have made a mistake. I’ve been pushing that much harder recently, and it can sometimes create a bit of a feedback loop. Example A: I forget to do something that I said I would. I then get upset with myself for forgetting to do that thing. I then get upset with myself for getting upset with myself. Feedback loop.

When something like that starts to happen, I find myself wondering how it is that one could simply decide to be more positive about the whole thing. How am I supposed to just DECIDE to not be so hard on myself? I understand and can buy into the idea that your approach to situations can color how you handle them. I just can’t figure out how to simply change that approach.

I guess it was just one of those things that struck a chord and got me wondering.

 

 

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The Carnival

The Traveling Carnival is a queer thing. It is a private, self-contained city on wheels. It rolls from place to place, bringing merriment and sadness in equal parts. There is something so incredibly interesting about an entity that is so dichotomous.
Make no mistake, the Traveling Carnival is an entity unto itself. It lives and breathes; it has hopes and dreams. It is a landlocked Leviathan with the collective mind of a small town. That makes it all the sadder that what keeps it from growing and stretching is it’s own cannibalistic nature.
For the society of the carnival to exist it must stay close knit and contained. It keeps outsiders at arm’s length to protect itself from untrustworthy people who would judge it’s inhabitants. That same isolation forces it to fester in it’s own filth. It simply travels from place to place, re-treading the same ground. Never learning and never growing.
The carnival deals in merriment. One goes there for fun a frivolity. Even though the rides are dangerous, the games are rigged and the people distasteful. From a very objective view, there is nothing that should be fun at a carnival.
The people that live and work there don’t like us. That’s part of why it’s so sad. They sell joy and have none themselves. They peddle it all away, at an overly inflated price and keep none back for their own stores.
The people of the carnival wake each day more sour than the last. Every moment that they spend at their daily lives and working their livelihood, they are resentful Some for what others have that they don’t and some just because we’re different.
No matter what we think of them, we are the ones that are different to them. Anyone who is not a part of their insulated community is an outsider. The walls aren’t built on race or money, they’re built on society. It’s all about the society inside the carnival, and outside. We are all on the outside.
This creature, this fun-regurgitating parasite is poison. It lives with a dark heart and is rotting from the inside out. It is kept alive by feeding off of the people it entertains and despises in equal measures. It will ever be slowly dying and growing in concert. It will always be filled with hatred and disgust  just below the glow of midway lights and the smell of cheap beer, cigarettes and popcorn.
The people will always be smiling, and there will always be games to play. There is fun to be had, while the ones selling it are having no fun at all.
That’s why it will always be a little bit more sad than the happiness it brings.

Pingpong Ball and Fishbowl Game

Pingpong Ball and Fishbowl Game (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

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I wanna be an Astronaut!

I saw this over at Word Painting Without a Brush

Creative Writing Exercise = You are an astronaut. Describe your perfect day.

My alarm gently vibrated me awake. It’s so hard to wake up on your own in the preternatural darkness of space.

I gently slid out of my bunk. The covers stayed messy. I cackled maniacally inside my own head. I always knew making my bed was a waste of time, and being in zero gravity only serves to make me more correct.

I dressed myself slowly and deliberately. The lack of urgency in zero gravity is astounding. Hurrying was never something I was very good at. I had absolutely no motivation to hurry when everything was drifting by as if we were all suspended in still water.

I gently navigated my way the the mess hall. Time to heat up a bag of coffee. I have to admit, for as different and difficult as somethings could be in space, the fancy cooking gadgets were exceptionally refreshing.

I took my bag of warm coffee and floated to the common space. It was like a scene from a science fiction movie in there. The seats were clean and smooth and the space was open. The most striking feature was the window that took up the entire wall of the vessel.

space

space (Photo credit: Sweetie187)

I opened the shades and peered out into the darkness. Inky blackness greeted me. It was like staring through a doorway into madness. I smiled broadly.

There has never been anything that compared to floating around in zero gravity, slurping coffee and staring into that space that drive men insane. That insanity always felt more like home to me than anywhere else. It’s a shame there’s no place here on earth that compares.

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Well Hmmmm

Paradoxical feelings are…strange.

Paradox of Freedom: the fence

Paradox of Freedom: the fence (Photo credit: theilr)

I guess paradoxical is actually a pretty descriptive word for them. Having a feeling about something that is both exciting and maybe a little frustrating at the same time. It’s an odd combination.

I have the beginnings of an idea for something I want to write. It’s too delicate and new to be wholeheartedly excited about. I think it’s a good idea, but it needs some nurturing before I try to jump right in to it.

Hopefully I can get it to a point that I feel good really starting it in earnest. I think that it could be fun. It’s a little frustrating not being able to just move forward. I’m usually kind of impulsive with this sort of thing. I want to just push forward.

I know that that’s not the way to go. I suppose there’s something to be said for making the better choice, even though it isn’t exactly what you want to do.

I also know that I’m kind of rambling in the abstract right now. Sorry about that. If you’ve been around here before, you’ll know that being here is pretty close to being inside my head. You get what I’m thinking, how I’m thinking it.

Here’s hoping.

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