But I don’t WANT to be Debbie

While I was planning my post for the day, I realized that most of my recent posts have been a little on the sadder or melancholy side. I’m not actually that down at the moment. I felt like I was being a Little Debbie Downer(see what i did there? Little Debbie? Debbie Downer? Fine don’t laugh. I haven’t had any coffee yet, I think I deserve the benefit of the doubt.)

I really enjoy writing the way that I am right at that moment. Sometimes that means I write sadder stuff. Sometimes it’s more a thought provoking type of post. Sometimes it’s just plain weird. It’s always me, though. Since I don’t feel like I wan’t to write anything sad, I want to write something funny!

There’s a problem here. As much as I like to think that I contain the original seed of everything that is funny, the spark where all humor in the universe comes from, inside me like Optimus Prime‘s Matrix of Leadership, but I know that’s not true. I’m not super hysterical like I imagine I am. That’s ok.

I still think I’m funny. I’m also sort of getting to the point where if I think I’m funny, that’s all it takes for me to be funny. There’s a small flaw in this: When you’re funny, you say and do funny things when other people are around. If those other people don’t find you amusing, you’re kinda stuck. Whatever. I’ll deal with that when I get there.

So now I have to find a way to put something funny and happy-inducing here for you guys today. I want to be a bringer of smiles today.

 

 

This is harder than I thought. Apparently, I don’t have anything all that amusing to say. Well this is embarrassing. Uh….

Zombies!

Okay, I know zombies have been overdone recently, and I don’t want to add to that. but I feel like the living dead have been horribly misrepresented lately. I like zombies. I’m a fan. I don’t always watch some of the older zombie movies because I may like them as a concept, but seeing them paw through someone’s internal organs isn’t something I need to see illustrated in graphic detail.

Cover of "Shaun of the Dead"

Cover of Shaun of the Dead

In the interest of giving you about as family-friendly an example as I can, while still pointing out my preferred undead characteristics, I’ll reference a movie from a few years back: Shaun of the Dead.

Even though it’s a humorous take on the genre, I think it really showcases a lot of the things I appreciate about those adorable little brain munchers.

Zombies should be dumb. Like really dumb. Having trouble distinguishing zombies from people and inanimate objects dumb. Being as zombies should be animated corpses, there should be no mental processing. They should just be a mobile corpse.

Zombies should be slow. They are just mobile corpses. No running. They are driven by a desire to eat some brains. Not all of their muscle attachments are intact. Slow, plodding, shuffling, untiring things.

Zombies should be strong, but fragile. Again with the muscle attachments. Their musculature may or may not be well-functioning. Kind of depends on the amount of muscle tissue left. If there’s a lot there, they should be stronger than a human of their size because they don’t have the same restrictions on movement that a human being would. They should also be fragile. With all that exposed bone and possible lack of musculo-skeletal integrity, I would think it would be hard to keep it together.

Those are my big things. Part of the discomfort that zombies provide is based on the inevitability of fate they introduce. They WILL keep coming for you. If you don’t get away or keep moving, the WILL catch you. If they catch you, they WILL eat you. If they bite you, you WILL become one of them.

This whole zombies can run and zombies are predators crap has just left a sour taste in my mouth. I can understand that certain mediums might need to take some artistic liberties. putting fast zombies in a video game can make it more interesting. Real zombies are slow though.

Well then. In an effort to not be melancholy, I ended up telling you why my zombies are the best. Apparently, I favor a more ‘based in science approach’ Who knew?

That seems accurate. Totally me.

                                                                                                                                                                                                       

Are you funny? Do other people agree? How do you feel about zombies?

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15 thoughts on “But I don’t WANT to be Debbie

  1. I don’t even know if the word “funny” is applicable to me. I have more of a “crazy hyper surreal weird I don’t even know what” sense of humour, which has been generously given to me by my Mum and Monty Python, so I guess it was inevitable that I turned out this way. My friends think I’m funny though. The problem is I laugh at myself too much, like sometimes I won’t be able to finish telling a joke because I’ll be laughing so hard.
    But anyway, I don’t really like zombies. It would be a pretty crap existence, to be a zombie. When you mentioned Shaun of the Dead I laughed because this one time in our last Chemistry lesson of Year 11 our teacher put it on for us but then immediately turned it off after the first “cunt”, which is quite early on in the movie. He told us not to repeat any of the words we heard (we were like, 16 at the time so he was kinda talking to a brick wall) and instead we did empirical formula equations for the rest of the lesson.
    I don’t like zombie movies – it seems like a too-real possibility and I don’t like that. I mean, I watched I Am Legend and freaked out. After watching Quarantine I also freaked out, so I’ve learned to stay clear of zombie movies.

    • I can definitely relate to being “Well, you aren’t funny. Weird maybe? I laugh because of you sometimes? Does that help?” Also, ‘Laughing at your own joke laughing’ is some of the best laughing.
      Yeah, there’s a lot of “This is totally how the zombie apocalypse is going down movies.” I think I prefer the ones that aren’t threatening us with impending doom. Who wants to watch a movie about how we’re all going to die.
      Aside from the language, there’s really not much bad in ‘Shaun of the Dead.’ As you said, there’s no way you’ll convince 16 year olds to keep their language clean anyway.

  2. I mean, I was in a bookshop today looking for a book by Immanuel Kant that I’ve been looking for everywhere and after searching the bookshelves to no avail, I cried out “I kant find Kant!” and at least two people turned to me with mixed looks of disgust and hopelessness for me and my generation. Puns and me just don’t get on.
    Well, the other bit of Shaun of the Dead I clearly remember because it was gruesome was when the guy (who likes Debbie, I think) gets pulled out of the pub near the end and the zombies pull his guts out while he’s still alive.
    I don’t handle gore too well.

    • Oh yeah. I forgot about that part. I’m not so good on the gore either. I find implying what happens while off-screen ENTIRELY sufficient.
      Also, does it make you feel better that I laughed out loud when reading your ‘Kant’ pun, and then re read it and giggled again?

      • Yes, it does. I also walked out the bookshop chuckling to myself, but that might be because I stopped on my way out to read a bit of a Shakespeare version of Star Wars book. Idk, that’s English bookshops for you.
        In other English news, I laughed to myself for at least a few minutes the other day when we passed a road called Butt’s End while driving.

      • That would be an awesome book.
        I also just laughed out loud at that road. While thinking ‘this is terrible, don’t laugh’ Which made me laugh more. It was a weird sounding laugh too.

      • I think the best few years of my life was when my Dad used to live by a beach called Sandy Balls. I kid you not, that was the beach name.

      • There are loads of rude/ridiculous place names. For example, my favourite street name is Bell End, but there’s the fantastic Whip-ma-whop-ma Gate.
        I’m not even kidding.

      • You can also get Mr T’s voice your sat nav and I can just image your sat nav blaring “Turn left onto Bell End, FOOL!”

  3. I strongly agree with your assessment on zombies. And, I was in London when Shaun premiered. I didn’t know anything about it back then, being the behind the times gal that I was/am. Worry not, I am fully up to date on most things zombie.

    As for any and/or all of your posts, I enjoy them, most thoroughly. I get your jokes.
    Though I guess I think I’m funny, on occasion, so perhaps not the best judge.

    And I told you, writing is cathartic, sunshine. x

    • Well, YES! Of course you were right. You’re always right.
      Shaun in London! Be still my heart.
      No surprise that you get me. You always did. I suspect that has something to do with your nurturing personality.

  4. Pingback: Yet again, I’m weird | Inkling of Asylum

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