Pro and Cons

So, furniture delivery tomorrow! Hooray!

A table set for two people.

A table set for two people. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Furniture could be delivered anytime between 7:15 am and 10:15 am. On a Saturday. BOOOO! Hiss!!!!

Whatever. It’s fine. I’m getting old so I’ll probably want to be in bed by midnight anyway.

I reblogged something earlier about insecurities. It got me pondering earlier. I am definitely my harshest critic.

I also have to think that I approach this in a fairly negative way. Some people use criticism as a way to improve. They take a step back and evaluate and allow positive changes to result. I have always taken criticism hard, and self criticism even harder. I can sometimes ignore someone I don’t respect as an authority when they give me some feed back that I don’t agree with. It’s damn near impossible to ignore that voice when it comes from inside my head.

I’ve also always had a brain that was turned up to eleven. I’m not trying to brag about intelligence, I’m just talking  like functioning speed. It was always most evident in grade school when I would think faster than I could write or talk. I would leave multiple words out of sentences when I wrote or get tongue tied trying to explain something. It’s the same thing that bothers me about my writing, and my drawing and computer art: I’ve got a fully completed, beautiful image inside my head, but I can’t get the damn thing out in an intelligible representation.

So having a brain that always seems to be running on jet fuel means that once it gets going on a self criticism binge, I tend to end up in a pretty dark place. I can never seem to use anything that I recognize as constructive criticism. I ‘m not particularly good at perceiving external criticism as constructive either.

I think that it’s my own self-doubt and overly critical view of myself that makes even external criticism hard to handle. If I constantly feel like I’m not good enough, that I can’t do anything right, and that I’m a failure of epic proportions, on every level, then hearing any criticism tends to feed that monster. It’s as if The Monster is just waiting for any scrap of critical thought to creep in, so it can latch on and distort it into the most damaging perspective.

I’m not really sure what the answer is, but I do know it starts with self perception. The question is, if I don’t think I’m good enough, and the person I need to convince that I am is me, and the only person who can do that convincing is me, where does that chain break?

 

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4 thoughts on “Pro and Cons

  1. I know it sounds trite, but you have to teach yourself to ack-scent-you-ate the positive when the monster starts knocking at the door. I think we all have those monsters (which look eerily similar to our own selves), and I think some of it has to do with age and the generation in which one grew up.

    We may have yapped about this before, but I think there is a place for self-criticism, when it has you truly looking at yourself and being honest about who you are- what’s good, what’s “bad,” what can be changed, and what can’t. You know, the whole Serenity Prayer thing.

    We need to go out for coffee some time. x

    • That’s very true. That’s definitely harder when you tend to be more pessimistic, though.
      I definitely think that being critical of oneself is where the greatest personal changes come from. Those are the biggest, longest lasting ones. Some of us just can’t translate that information into something positive.

  2. This post is me in a nutshell. Everything from the brain working too fast to the self-criticism. This describes me better than I could it myself

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