So, furniture delivery tomorrow! Hooray!
Furniture could be delivered anytime between 7:15 am and 10:15 am. On a Saturday. BOOOO! Hiss!!!!
Whatever. It’s fine. I’m getting old so I’ll probably want to be in bed by midnight anyway.
I reblogged something earlier about insecurities. It got me pondering earlier. I am definitely my harshest critic.
I also have to think that I approach this in a fairly negative way. Some people use criticism as a way to improve. They take a step back and evaluate and allow positive changes to result. I have always taken criticism hard, and self criticism even harder. I can sometimes ignore someone I don’t respect as an authority when they give me some feed back that I don’t agree with. It’s damn near impossible to ignore that voice when it comes from inside my head.
I’ve also always had a brain that was turned up to eleven. I’m not trying to brag about intelligence, I’m just talking like functioning speed. It was always most evident in grade school when I would think faster than I could write or talk. I would leave multiple words out of sentences when I wrote or get tongue tied trying to explain something. It’s the same thing that bothers me about my writing, and my drawing and computer art: I’ve got a fully completed, beautiful image inside my head, but I can’t get the damn thing out in an intelligible representation.
So having a brain that always seems to be running on jet fuel means that once it gets going on a self criticism binge, I tend to end up in a pretty dark place. I can never seem to use anything that I recognize as constructive criticism. I ‘m not particularly good at perceiving external criticism as constructive either.
I think that it’s my own self-doubt and overly critical view of myself that makes even external criticism hard to handle. If I constantly feel like I’m not good enough, that I can’t do anything right, and that I’m a failure of epic proportions, on every level, then hearing any criticism tends to feed that monster. It’s as if The Monster is just waiting for any scrap of critical thought to creep in, so it can latch on and distort it into the most damaging perspective.
I’m not really sure what the answer is, but I do know it starts with self perception. The question is, if I don’t think I’m good enough, and the person I need to convince that I am is me, and the only person who can do that convincing is me, where does that chain break?